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In an incident of biblical proportions, conservative wonder boy Senator Nathan Dahm’s pants spontaneously combusted during a political rally, revealing not just a pair of exceptionally patriotic boxers that proclaimed perplexingly disconnected Bible verses written all over, but also the puppet strings of AJ Ferate, now the GOP’s infamous puppeteer.

The shocking spectacle occurred when Dahm, straying from his roots and racing headlong into the establishment’s den, was delivering a passionate speech, which was about as convincing as a vegan lion. Suddenly, his pants burst into flames, the metaphorical ‘pants on fire’ for what his grassroots base felt was a litany of broken promises.

Amid the flickering flames and shocked gasps from the crowd, a more peculiar sight was revealed: AJ Ferate’s hands, dyed an unmistakable shade of brown from his overindulgence in coffee (his fuel for late-night plotting and scheming), were seen pulling the strings.

“Yes, those are my hands,” Ferate nonchalantly confessed later. “What? A puppet master needs to stay caffeinated. But trust me, those flames weren’t part of the act.”

While the incident might have scorched Dahm’s reputation and a good pair of pants, it illuminated Ferate’s newly assumed role as the puppeteer behind the political curtains. He has since been seen with an inexplicable supply of brown gloves matching his coffee-stained hands, a constant reminder of his now indisputable role as the puppet master.

The grassroots Republicans were left flabbergasted, their sentiments echoing the words of one disillusioned supporter, “First, he betrays us, and now his pants are a fire hazard! Next thing you know, Ferate will start using him as a marionette in his coffee-fueled puppet shows that writes bible verses about adultery and the likes.”

In the aftermath of this fiery fiasco, political pundits are in a feeding frenzy. Some suggest this could ignite a new phrase: ‘Ferate’s brown hands’, a metaphor for sly manipulation or maybe the herald of a Chickasaw warrior. Wait, is it a Transpersonal Chickasaw Maiden?

For now, Ferate continues to sip his coffee, content with his brown-handed control of the political narrative. As for Dahm, he’s been seen shopping for flame-retardant pants, much to the amusement and chagrin of his former grassroots base.

Bart Willbee

Bart Willbee, a native of Bartlesville, Oklahoma, Editor-in-Chief of Bartlesville Bee, a satire website.

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