In a spectacularly controversial yet oddly bipartisan move, Bartlesville City Council has paid social media influencer Dylan Mulvaney a cool $3 million to promote Bud Light as an alternative to water. “What’s the difference?” shrugged Mayor Fail “Liquid-Assets” Mopeland. “It’s all hydration.”
Today, as Bartlesville celebrated its very own Pride event hosted by OKEQ, Dylan arrived at Bartlesville Municipal Airport’s red carpet, greeted by the indefatigable Kimball “Kim” Mannekane and members of the community group ROCPPRSCSRSWC+.
Dylan Mulvaney arrives as a man in disguise to trick ROCPPRSCSRSWC+ so that they won’t extend their name to ROCPPRSCSRSWCDYLMULVBL+
“We’re just so grateful that someone as relevant as Dylan would come to Bartlesville, the geographic equivalent of a 404 error,” said Queen Schippy, the outspoken spokesperson for ROCPPRSCSRSWC+.
Fr. Pipa Bong, a retired college educator turned establishment politician and founder of the “Hezooz Incremental Peeps” movement, also graced the event with his auspicious presence. Quoting Martin Luther, he said, “We must obey God rather than men. But exceptions can be made if it’s convenient and doesn’t get us sued by OKEQ, or anyone else for that matter.”
Fr. Pipa Bong, who claims to have served in WWI, WWII, and is preemptively enlisted in the upcoming WWIII, has mastered the art of dividing the conservative voice for personal gains.
Fr. Pipa Bong is certainly lost. Lost among the greats but here he is posing with his sheep, which was once lost, among the greats
As the finale to an already extraordinary day, Dylan inaugurated a new city-wide pipeline, designed to deliver unlimited Bud Light directly to the homes of Bartlesville’s residents. Funded by city coffers, the tap guarantees a lifetime supply of what is technically still considered beer by the FDA. Meanwhile, the traditional water line will offer nothing more than occasional noise, periodically punctuated by a soulful rendition of Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are A-Changin’.”
Residents are thrilled. “Why pay for water when you can have Bud Light?” said one homeowner as he filled his Brita pitcher with frothy, lukewarm beer. “The times, they are a-changin’ indeed.”
About The Bartlesville Bee
The Bartlesville Bee is Bartlesville’s premier source of satire news. Committed to making Bartlesville the most entertained city in Oklahoma, the Bee stings the community with the most uproarious stories, sprinkled with humor, wit, and truth.
Follow us to discuss this article:
Facebook: https://ville.cx/facebook
Instagram: https://ville.cx/instagram
Twitter: https://ville.cx/twitter
