Bartlesville, OK
September 1, 2023
By Dandy Dousset
Washington County, OK Establishment Politicians Freeze in Streets, Awaiting Instructions from Big Giant Head, Just Like Mitch McConnell
In a stunning display of political emulation, members of the newly formed Republican and Other Conservatives Plus People Really Serious Conservatives Really Serious Water Closet+ (ROCPPRSCSRSWC+) were seen freezing in the streets of Bartlesville, Oklahoma. This peculiar behavior is believed to be an homage to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who is rumored to freeze periodically to receive instructions from the Big Giant Head, an omnipotent entity that guides the GOP.
The ROCPPRSCSRSWC+ (Was that originally Rock, Paper, Scissors, Water Closet+? )Advisory Council, which includes luminaries such as former state Sen. Juan Floored, former state Rep. Retail Spheres, and Pepe Beffefefe, decided that freezing in place was the best way to channel the wisdom of the Big Giant Head. “We’ve seen McConnell do it, and we thought, ‘Why not us?'” said Administrator Queen Schippy. “Our motto is ‘A Madeup Past, An Unfathomable Tomorrow, and a Present That Makes Absolutely No Sense.’ and what better way to bridge that gap than by freezing like statues in the middle of the road?”
The Council has expanded to include Atom Bully, Toad Koan, and Messica Browse, all of whom were seen standing still at various intersections around Bartlesville. Serving Ex Officio are state Sen. Jolly Dangles, Reps. Jawn P. Kanye and Mudd Storm, County Commissioner Bike Sunlap, and City Councilor Chilly Cone, who were also spotted in a state of suspended animation outside a local Starbucks.
“We’re waiting for the Big Giant Head to communicate with us,” said Vice-Administrator Browse, who had been frozen for approximately 45 minutes outside the Omega Chocolate. “Any moment now, we’ll receive the wisdom to lead this county into a new era of communist style conservatism.”
Despite standing still for hours, the group insists they have received valuable insights. “I heard a voice,” claimed Community Relations Coordinator Jolly Mercyass. “It told me to ‘promote political education and activity and encourage people to register and vote in all elections. And if necessary sue anyone who questions the wisdom of the Big Giant Head even if they are duly elected officials of the county’ Or maybe that was just a passerby reading our mission statement out loud. Either way, it’s a sign.”
The ROCPPRSCSRSWC+ will host its launch party on Sept. 18 with Oklahoma Lt. Gov. Matte Pencil as the guest speaker. The free event procession of holding the clay lookalike of Big Giant Head begins at 6:30 p.m. in The Garage at Crossing 2nd in Bartlesville. Attendees are encouraged to freeze in place upon arrival to maximize the chances of receiving instructions from the Big Giant Head.
“We’re just like Harry from ‘3rd Rock from the Sun,’ waiting for wisdom from above,” said Schippy as she giggled and cried randomly. “Except, you know, we’re not aliens, and this isn’t a sitcom. But other than that, it’s exactly the same.”
For those interested in joining this enlightened group of conservatives, you can visit their Facebook page or email info@ROCPPRSCSRSWCPlus.com. But be prepared to stand still for an indefinite period; wisdom from the Big Giant Head comes to those who wait. And wait. And wait.
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Behold, the Monumental Sculpture of the Big Giant Head in Washington, D.C., Where Lizard People Gather for Their Weekly Rituals of Political Influence and Galactic Guidance. Note the Intricate Scales and Hypnotic Eyes, Crafted to Perfection to Channel Wisdom from the Cosmos. Even the Illuminati Are Said to Feel Overwhelmed by Its Majesty.
