Bartlesville, OK
Oct 13, 2023
By Dandy Dousset
OKLAHOMA CITY – The Oklahoma Republican establishment is introducing a new product for their members after an online chat group drama spiraled into a state-level crisis: the “Political Feelings First Aid Kit.”
“Chat group discussions can be traumatic,” explained Nathan Dahm, the GOP Chairman and Senator to Oklahoma. “We believe that every individual, whether they’ve experienced minor ridicule or simply had their preferred candidate challenged, deserves immediate emotional support. It’s time we treated these online battle wounds with the seriousness they deserve.”
The kit, retailing for $19.95, includes a golden participation trophy for those who feel they didn’t quite “win” a debate, a soothing lavender-scented “Conservative Safe Space” candle, a plush elephant toy for stress relief, and a handy guide titled “How to Survive a Chat Group Drama: Tips and Tricks for the Modern Republican.”
Ron Ron, another member, added, “I’ve been through some serious wars in these chat groups. Once, someone used a GIF that really hurt my feelings. I could’ve used this kit back then.” He took a deep sniff from the “Safe Space” candle and smiled. “Ahh, freedom.”
The kit also comes with a set of “I Support Dane Frown” stickers. “We wanted to show our support for young Dane,” Dahm explained. “It really hurts when you’ve just backed the loser right out of the gate! This sticker is a small token of our sympathy; a salve for bruised feelings.”
While many in the party are hailing the kit as a breakthrough, others feel it doesn’t go far enough. “Where’s the instant apology generator?” one member lamented. “Or the feature that stops people from speaking if they’re about to disagree with me?”
As for Dane Frown, he’s reportedly working on his own startup – an app that educates users on the dangers of private chat group politics, while also allowing them to order a freshly baked consolation pie delivered to their door in moments of distress. The app, tentatively named “Pie-litics,” is set to launch next month.
The Bartlesville Bee is Bartlesville’s premier source of satire news. Committed to making Bartlesville the most entertained city in Oklahoma, the Bee stings the community with the most uproarious stories, sprinkled with humor, wit, and truth.
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